When self-hate feels like an involuntary reflex.

Maybe self-hate is a side effect of having humility in our culture. In a restored world, humility would be found in all, but in our broken world having humility can take you to a place of weakness and make you vulnerable to attack from other sinful humans who struggle with pride, so are more comfortable being vocal and self-assured about their opinions. This world is a hard place to have humility.

When I read about self-hate, a lot of what I come across is, "you've done something terrible and now you hate yourself for it." Past sins influence your view of yourself. But for me, that doesn't ring true. My struggle with self-hate and tearing myself down feels like an involuntary reflex that just wack-a-mole-style enters from time to time. I'm sure there is a predictable pattern to it. As far as I can tell it's anytime I perceive I did a bad job at something or made a mistake...and this is often. Probably the root of this is a low self worth. How the self-hate used to come into my life was around appearance and body size. Anytime I felt bad about myself for some perceived failing my mind would automatically take me to, "if you were just smaller or wouldn't have eaten fill-in-the-blank." Body bashing was like a cozy pair of sweat pants I'd put on at the end of each day. It was something I would run to for shelter and refuge. But it was terrible shelter and refuge. It took me into darkness and danger, not away from it. For me to do that it had to be providing some relief. Relief from having to be with whatever distress triggered me into the familiar pattern of body bashing.

I imagine it's the same situation now, in that my defaulting into self-hate is providing some relief. It's more familiar (and I like familiarity) to feel the self-hate than to feel whatever is triggering the self hate, which I imagine at least one of those things is conflict. I do think the truth is that without the renewing and transforming Christ offers me, I'll find a helpful tool to increase awareness of the patterns that cause the self-hate and I can reframe them, but the pattern of falling into self-hate will be replaced by something else. First it was body bashing, now self-hate. For sure there is something else waiting for me and my sinful nature after this.

I know this: The truth of who God created me to be isn't a creation filled with self-hate. With the help of God, moving towards having an accurate view of myself in light of who God is, is what I imagine I need (but is hard), because at it's core this is a self-worth issue.

Loving Father, help me derive my worth from you. Because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross I have been adopted as a daughter and given the indwelling of the holy spirit (Ephesians 1: 5-14)...and the truth is that makes me significant and valuable, even when I feel worthless.